Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Randomize
