I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
