She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
