it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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