I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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