Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
