I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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