Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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