I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
