A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
