I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
