bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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