the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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