If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
