I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
