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he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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