I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
