I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
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We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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