I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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