there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
