I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
