that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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