So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
