My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
