Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
