The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
