I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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