i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
how drunk are you?
Several
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
