I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize