Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
