evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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