I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
