If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
