vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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