In the future we'll all be gay
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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