I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
