I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
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You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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