That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
