A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
