My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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