I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
