i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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