You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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