Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
