hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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