if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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