If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
