I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
