$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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