Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
