I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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