Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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